--The Daytona 500 was yesterday afternoon, followed by the Oscars in primetime:

     . . . Or, as gay rednecks called it:  THE BEST DAY EVER!

     . . . I once knew a gay redneck.  He was very conflicted.  One day he cut himself shaving . . . then had himself arrested for a hate crime.

--Did you watch "The Academy Awards"?  Twenty minutes in I was thinking I'd rather be in the stands at the Daytona 500.  (--Too soon?)

--Last night was the 85th Academy Awards.  But it felt so long I think it should also count as the 86th, 87th and 88th.

--Seth MacFarlane opened the Oscars with a joke about trying to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh.  The good news:  Tommy Lee Jones laughed.  The bad:  nobody else did.  The rest of the night.

--This year's Oscar gift bag is worth over $45,000.  But remember, the recipients had to sit through the Oscars.  So they earned it.

--A big congrats to all the winners . . . and anyone who properly pronounced Quvenzhane Wallis' (--pronounced "Kwuh-VEN-ja-nay WALL-iss") name.

--Jennifer Lawrence got a standing ovation after she fell on the way to the podium.  Why?  Because Hollywood is full of people who love to MOCK YOU!  Sorry.  Bitter.

--Daniel Day-Lewis won his third Best Actor Oscar.  Which sounds impressive.  But remember, that's only three more than Rob Schneider.

--Tommy Lee Jones lost for Best Supporting Actor.  Tommy Lee Jones was almost as unhappy about the loss as he is about everything else.

--George Clooney and Ben Affleck showed up to last night's ceremony with beards.  Thanks to his wife, so did Hugh Jackman.

--Barbra Streisand performed during the In Memoriam segment.  And it was quite a bold move by Streisand to tempt fate like that.

--Anne Hathaway described her Oscar dress as "business in the front, party in the back."  And, I'm willing to bet, "nothing underneath."

--Ang Lee delivered a portion of his acceptance speech for Best Director in his native Taiwanese language.  And yet he was still more understandable than Quentin Tarantino's.

--Michelle Obama made a surprise remote appearance to present the Oscar for Best Picture.  So the Oscar went to . . . healthy after-school snacks!

--Michelle Obama announced the winner for Best Picture live from The White House.  Her husband couldn't join her because, you know, there's golf to play.

--The Oscar for Best Sound Editing was a tie between "Zero Dark Thirty" and "Skyfall":

     . . . It marks the first time in sound editing history this has ever happened.  You know, anyone giving a crap about sound editing.

     . . . The editors of both films also tied for longest age-inappropriate blond hair on a guy, too.

--Jennifer Hudson performed "And I'm Telling You" from "Dreamgirls".  Afterwards, she received a standing ovation.  Not because she did well.  Because she wasn't Seth MacFarlane.

--The president of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences announced it was opening a museum.  It will honor all the unforgettable moments in Oscar history.  So, it will be empty.

--Seth MacFarlane ended the Oscars by singing a duet with Alvin from "Alvin & The Chipmunks".  What do you mean, "That was Kristin Chenoweth"?!?